Relationship Green Flags: Getting to Know Your Partner’s Love Language

Pop culture and social media present love and relationships to be nearly unattainable.

You see influencers on social media going on extravagant dates. Romantic comedies feature the hottest people falling in love in the most idyllic, perfect scenarios. In reality, healthy relationships take a lot of work and are not always as extravagant as the influencers and movies would lead you to believe. That’s not to say relationships cannot feel extravagant and fulfilling, and we want to help you figure out how to achieve these feelings realistically.

Have you ever heard of the five love languages?

In 1992, Dr. Gary Chapman released a book that explained how people in romantic relationships express and receive love. Those five types of love are acts of service, words of affirmation, spending quality time, physical touch, and receiving gifts. According to Chapman, by understanding these love languages, we can understand part of our partner’s inside world and love them the way they want to be loved. Conversely, if we are unaware of our partner’s love language(s), we may be doing what we think they want without fully satisfying their relationship needs. Let’s break this down a bit:

Acts of Service:

If your partner’s love language is acts of service, this means that they appreciate when you go the extra mile. This might look like completing a couple of extra chores around the house when you know your partner is stressed, running an errand for your partner if they don’t have the extra time, or doing something you normally wouldn’t enjoy for the sake of making your partner happy. People who value acts of service want to know their partner cares about making their lives a little easier, especially when they are feeling stressed or overwhelmed. If you know your partner’s love language is acts of service, some things you may want to avoid include broken commitments, not completing an equal amount of household chores, or asking for too many favors without reciprocating.

Words of Affirmation:

If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, this means they appreciate compliments, encouragement, and general acknowledgment of what they are doing. Simple things like saying “I love you”, “You look good today”, or “I appreciate you” will make your partner feel loved on a deeper level. Additionally, showing interest in what your partner is saying and reacting positively to the good news your partner relays is a great way to satisfy this need. If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, some things to be cautious about include saying unkind words in times of conflict or being overly critical.

Spending Quality Time:

If your partner’s love language is spending quality time with you, this means they appreciate your uninterrupted time and (sometimes) your undivided attention. This might look like having meaningful conversations with eye contact and active listening, having dinner together each night without technology, or doing shared hobbies together. For others with this love language, they may feel fulfilled by spending time in the same room doing different activities. It’s important to clarify your partner’s preference and avoid being distracted when they talk with you, frequently interrupting, and showing distaste for their preferred activities.

Physical Touch:

If your partner’s love language is physical touch, this means they enjoy small acts of intimacy such as kissing, holding hands, hugs, or cuddling. Especially when feeling upset about something or very excited, showing your partner physical affection can make them feel deeply loved and comforted. Something to avoid when this is your partner’s love language is rejecting physical touch without explaining why.

Receiving Gifts:

If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, this means they enjoy the little things. People with this love language don’t necessarily need large, extravagant gifts to feel fulfilled, but more so appreciate the thoughtfulness behind gifts. For example, bringing home their favorite candy or something small that reminded you of them. If this is your partner’s love language, something to be cautious about may be only giving gifts when trying to make up after a conflict.

Knowing your partner’s love language can be one of the first and most vital steps to a fulfilling relationship. When we have a deeper understanding of what makes our partners feel good, we have a deeper understanding of what to do to make the relationship last. If you’re looking for some quality time and forming a deeper connection with your partner, take the free quiz and find out your top love language! If you think couples therapy might be a more productive space to explore love languages, contact us today.